xvii. better than your husband

i ram home at three a.m.
kept my clothes on so it wouldn’t sink in

seeing you, seeing them
the physical ingrained as sin

you fumbled for your keys
then fumbled for my hand
and when i couldn’t breathe
you knocked me down, i tried to stand

you said i kissed you better than your husband ever could
but i would never be yours, now, that was understood
it was always about protecting your life
while i remained the apple of your eye

and it sickens me
to know my own history

you were spitting a fountain of lies to me
like i’d be bathing at twilight,
down on my knees
but i don’t think of you in passing
only when you hit my line

it feels too real all at once
how these mistakes are subtle cuts
that chip away at my authentic self
and i shut my eyes to ignore this hell

what am i to do with this body now
that you desecrated it with your ghastly self
but walk around the block to sweat you out
you’re still leeched to me so you reach for me

and i have to leave before the sun is breached
there will be no day where i am redeemed
cause i am nothing
i am nothing like i seem

you wash over me like water torture
i reach for the door but i’m torn straight through
cause who could i be now without you?
and memory lasts longer than this room

and my worlds collide—my gloom and doom
i think it’s time to retire the notion
that i can hide behind my appeal
and never develop anything real

cause it pains my mind, drives me wild
with a knife in hand, i don’t trust that child
intrusive thoughts take me back to your bed
you open the door and i wish i was dead

two realities cannot coexist
when they contradict
the one who lives it

you said “you kiss me better than my husband ever could”
but i’m not looking for anything from you
just looking for worth in tongue and touch
just looking to get off on another rush
until i blackout and wake alone
wishing to be as dead as my phone
walking roads that once were home
realizing that i’ve never known
myself

i open my eyes in time to see you come
and it’s a mess, it can’t be undone
and before i know it i’m on the run

home

three a.m.
giving in
forfeiting all i’ve ever been

when i wake
will i wish to start anew
and if i do
if i do so wish

will i even be able to?