i’m sorry i missed your birthday
i was thinking about killing myself
and i know it would’ve been a big fucking deal to end my own life when you reach another year
but if i’m being honest it has nothing to do with you
and everything
about how i view myself

i can’t live with myself
anymore

i miss the way my bellyached
from tequila at sundown
on monday

there are too many bodies filling the kitchen
my sober self cannot be certain
like a glass particle
deep in my skin
there’s pain
there’s blood
i’m glistening

falling apart as easily as a spool
i’ve been needing an escape
but i fear it’s all the same
same name in a different place
i fear that’s all i’ll ever be
saving face
and wrecking fate
looking for people like me
finding we share infidelity
treason at my front door
a sinner at the alter

you’ve been fucking around
wondering why you aren’t finding out

and i have a repulsion to being known
specifically
by you

so i get sick of reaching out
sick of reading your mind
sick of easing your worries
as if they were mine

i’m befriending lightning bugs
and staring at the rainbow
until it disappears

i know my depression is inconvenient for you

i went to the lake alone
with randi
and he said
“i could kill you as easily
as you could your own”

and i drove home through the birdsong
and combed through all of my wrongs

picking battles like pulling teeth
thinking this want is still a need
so full of shit like a self-fulfilling prophecy
and it’s hot hot hot
my mouth full of blood
like a sunset cloud
you love me as i turn darker
stained

finding inspiration in the firelight
serenaded by the bagpipes
i floated away
a bit too close
to the moon

behind every reason to celebrate
is a suicidal figure
and as i crush this can in my hand
i worry
that therapy is repentance for the nonreligious

if i could take away your joy i would
so you could finally get hurt

it took a couple weeks
but it has finally set in
that without you
i’m the best i’ve ever been

please forget
everything
i’ve ever told you

at least up til now
i was lying