Comfort Chaos

I called you —
And you said this world’s a funny thing
The only thing you can control is your name
It was the cross
Section of gender studies and reinvention
And I was a faithful student

I couldn’t give thee saintly love
Always a penny for your thought
And a drink for your tongue
Familiar, insular
Comfortable chaos

“What a bitch”
I heard you say the other day to our friends
We were out at a bar, I think it was Schulman’s
I couldn’t find you in their green hue
That suffocating notion then suffused
You suffered for me, I didn’t ask you to
Though I’m sorry if I made you

Insufferable
You’d throw me a bone
I ran to go
And lost you

Is the truth in the room with us right now?
Six months on would you say that you’re proud?
Do you
Villainize me
The way I villainize you?
Or is it our poetry that’s vilified,
Distilled for a view?

I tell of wise tales
Not of olden years
Cause my body is scarred
Like Your Name.
Disappeared

Skewered perception of displaced adoration
Can never erase our paralytic hesitation
Surmounting mountains of abated frustrations
Our love letters
Once obsessive
Now kindling
Who am I kidding?
You came back again
Just like I did
For the comfortable chaos

You were my comfort chaos

Final moments awakening my honesty
I heard your voice and sent away that part of me
Because it’s dead to me

These days I’m fiercely keeping my peace
So I’ll say goodbye to you in my dreams
And release this
Comfort chaos