i thought i loved you

i spent two years getting over her
i didn’t understand my own emotions,
i didn’t understand how i could shoulder
my heart and ache in two different hands
and separate pain from those who understand

i spent two years going manically insane
ventured onto doorsteps i seriously regret
emitting anxieties through false names and shakes
and i thought i only deserved shit that would break

i spent two years alone
driving to and from the coast
walking the city of angels and dreams
and watching my desires become icarus in the rush

i spent two years
burnt out and running from the one beyond the mirror
the marionette in my mind, unsure who controlled it
and bartered with distractions just to console it

i spent two days thinking i was the same
the person mentioned above, running in circles, caged up
i had convinced myself i was existentially trapped
when freedom was what i actually had

i spent two days aching over you
loosening the noose so gingerly tied
and understanding my emotions only attempted to pry
at the love i am deserving, at the fact i am alright

i spent two days 
displaced by the person i was becoming
i didn’t recognize my face, didn’t want to participate in that deadly race to see who could become all-becoming
and who would end up becoming erased

i spent two days with new people
family and friends that make me feel real
that tell me i am a mighty big deal
and that life and love shouldn’t be peeled

but blossomed like a flower
when i was uprooted by you

i spent the last twelve minutes writing this down
figuring out what i felt when you handed me doubt
i’d dance around this planet ten times to lament
that nine months is a flame, gone in an instant
where memories blister and sting untrue
that i wasn’t in love when i thought i loved you