texting Adam

in short: everything that’s happened
the last few weeks just sorta hit today
and i’m feeling very defeated. i’m
trying to salvage grace for myself
without excusing my destructive
tendencies. i’m feeling very detached
from myself and like i’ve become the
worst version of myself—all my worst
fears. all in all though, it was like a
descent back to hell. a trip. a
momentary excursion to see what the
underworld holds—a world which i
once resided in. a world which once
held me captive. only this time, the
deeper i went into the cavern of my
trauma (of my adolescence; of my
addictions), the more self aware i
became through it. as the clouds
darkened and my world worsened,
i started to awaken. i’m now in a dark
room, listening to soft music. arlo is
curled by my feet and a water bottle
lays beside me, as i ready myself for a
bit of shut-eye. there’s a lot to process
and the typical waves of upset that
come each time i regress are hitting a
bit harder than before, eroding more
of my sanity than i care to admit. but
i do admit this: i didn’t give in and i
didn’t give up. i don’t give in and i
don’t give up. instead, i realize that
this—this hellscape, this downfall, this
regression, this chaos—is not what i
want. i wish i could definitively say that
i’ll never return to these same spaces
but i can’t… because life is
unpredictable and impermanent. but
right here, right now: i am choosing to
ascend from the labyrinth of
misunderstandings and anxieties and
redirect focus back onto myself. the
light at the end of the tunnel is nothing
more than my inner self. i am both
within the darkness and greater than it.
and this inner self—this inner child—
deserves to be cared for and
wholeheartedly heard. currently, i'm in
the process of departing the underworld.
this journey, unpredictable in length,
might take a few more days or a few more
weeks but i’m steadfast in my will to
revitalize my own mind; my own self.
the chaos ensues around me and wraps me
in its riptide but i’ve found a greater sense
of grounding than any current of wind,
fire, or water can shake.